Penning from my senses | Episode 1 - Nervous Nineties

Penning from my senses | Episode 1 – Nervous Nineties

Over the past few months, I have been mulling over writing humorous takes and perspectives based on what I observe – see, hear, feel. So, here we go – my first in the “Penning from my senses” series.

Disclaimer: Think of this episode as a ‘stand-up comedy’. It is intended to be a work of fiction, and not meant to body-shame or malign any person.

Episode 1: NERVOUS NINETIES

I am a ‘nineties kid’ – but that’s not the reason for this title.

The term, as many of you would be aware, is often used in cricket when batters are in their nineties and feel nervous whether they would reach a century or not. Also, now that I think about it, it may also be applicable to Queen Elizabeth II. 

However, my reason is slightly different. My weight has always been bordering on ninety - and that makes me extremely nervous. This is one century I hope I never have to talk about.

I wish this episode would have been about my “weight loss transformation journey”. But my life isn’t a “Telebrands ad”. Before you jump to conclusions, this is not going to be a sob story of a fat guy. Nor is it going to be “ten tips to lose weight” kind of an article. It’s just a few anecdotes from my life that I would like to share.

Last Sunday, I was cleaning up my house and I chanced upon a few pictures from my childhood. Do you enjoy looking at your childhood pictures and get nostalgic? Well, I don’t. Because, when I look at them, I only wonder how I managed to fit into the frame. After all, we had a simple Kodak camera without a “wide-angle lens”. And now I am pretty convinced that the wide-angle feature must have been an innovation by a fat person – after all, necessity is the mother of invention, isn’t it?

Speaking about nostalgia, I am reminded of my school days. The “worst” thing happened to me when I was twelve. No, not puberty. How is puberty a bad thing? What I meant was a Bollywood movie “Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham” released. In the movie, they had a character named “Ladoo” – a fat teenage boy.  I could relate to him. And then seeing his journey on the big screen on how he transforms into Hrithik Roshan, I found hope. Yes, I told myself - someday I can look like Hrithik Roshan. Well to be honest, on some days I do look like Hrithik. I am not exaggerating. Have you seen “Super 30”? Striking resemblance, right?

When I was six years old, I was so fat that my parents often made my younger brother sleep on my belly. Because well, why to spend money on soft pillows! Even choosing a costume for me for fancy dress competitions in school was easy. It seemed like a Kaun Banega Crorepati question – choose between an elephant, a hippopotamus, a sumo wrestler or, if none of these, then “Saroj Khan”! (Though I am grateful my parents never dressed me up as Saroj Khan – I think men dressing up as women became a crass trend much later. No offence, Kapil Sharma!)

Back to the present – I am still fat. Typically, people who are serious about losing weight do follow a strict diet and a rigorous exercise regimen. I invented a third thing, "blame the family". If you pass by my house, you would often hear me shouting, "you keep feeding me food and hence I can never lose weight as long as I am in the house" I say this with all earnestness and drama, although with my mouth stuffed with all the samosas that my mother has cooked! Yesterday, my mother got so fed up that she replied, "then leave the house." In my mind, I quickly calculated the rent of staying in Mumbai and then my salary and then thought "better to be fat than poor”. I quickly complimented my mother to defuse the situation and diverted my attention back to the samosas.

I know I have ranted a lot about my family but there are actually some situations where being fat has actually worked in my favor. There was a time when my relatives used to badger me with, "When are you getting married?" and I would tell them, again with all earnestness and drama, "Aunty, I am ready to get married. But why would any girl ever want to marry me. I am so fat, aunty!". Awkward pause. Problem averted. Best response ever! Nobody dared to ask me the question the second time.

But this led to a new problem. My relatives started giving me a lot of free advice on how to lose weight – Keto diet, Dixit diet, Diwekar diet, do Yoga, join Cult – the list is endless. However, the best piece of advice I have heard is the “Green Mantra” – green tea, green vegetables, green salads and so on. I follow the advice diligently. I end each day with "Green Apple Vodka". Life’s good! Cheers!